The month of May was Mental Health Awareness Month. My plan was to have this out by the end of May. Life got in the way though. I’ve been wanting to share my personal story and my family’s story for quite some time but wanted to respect my son’s privacy. He has now given me permission to share a few things he has gone through.
My first experience with mental illness was when I was in grade school and my mom went through a deep depression after my parents divorced. I really don’t remember it clearly though. Other members of my family of origin dealt with anxiety and panic attacks.
When I was a senior in college and doing my student teaching I began to get panic attacks, only I didn’t know what they were at the time. I just felt warm and like I was going to pass out. The doctor I saw who had never seen me before wanted to put me on Xanax. Even though I was old enough to make my own decision my mom said no way. She was a therapist and also was familiar with the drug. They seemed to get better though for a while.
After my firstborn daughter was diagnosed with a severe illness at the age of 6 weeks they started to come back full force. I was also getting other symptoms which eventually was diagnosed as chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. It was difficult trying to take care of a very ill child while living at the Ronald Mc Donald House.
I would have panic attacks while driving, especially on the highway. Fear would cause me to feel like I was going to pass out. They would come on at other various times too. You can learn more about this experience on my about page.
I ended up having two more beautiful children, a daughter and son. My son exhibited some anxiety growing up and always had very intense feelings. When he entered Jr. High he started having more trouble in school. It was a much bigger school and he was having a hard time adjusting to switching classes and harder homework.
He ended up being diagnosed with ADD and a learning disorder. I tried to help him as much as possible knowing what it was like to deal with ADD. He continued to have trouble as the work intensified each year. Social anxiety was another thing that he was trying to manage, This made it hard for him to make friends.
He started hanging out with a crowd of boys who were not a good influence. It broke my heart that he was struggling so much. I will not go into detail about all the things that took place, but it was hard. I worried every day about him. He graduated from High School in 2017.
The year after he graduated was a tough one. He went into a deep depression and would hardly come out of his room. Being a parent of someone who doesn’t want to live is one of the hardest things to live through. I just wanted to fix it. I wanted it to go away and to see him smile again.
Losing my first child made me hyper-vigilant over the health and safety of my children. I wanted more than anything to have complete control over their lives. At times I couldn’t find rest until I knew they were OK.
I always wonder if this may have contributed to my son’s anxiety.
Mental illness is a family affair. It affected us all differently. My older daughter was in college at this time, but she was still affected. If you or someone you love suffers from mental illness there are help and resources. I will be sharing more of my story in Part Two along with resources. I’m so glad that there is a Mental Health Awareness Month to give people a chance to bring it out in the open.
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